Some hilarious stuff...

From skysports (back of the net, latest edition):

Road to hell…

Whilst Hoyte may be loving life in England's capital, Javier Mascherano was not so lucky during his time at West Ham. The Argentine international was transformed from a World Cup star to Hayden Mullins' understudy in six months at Upton Park and only just managed to negotiate an escape route to Liverpool on transfer deadline day. However the full horror of the midfielder's time at The Hammers has only just been revealed.

Goalkeeper Jimmy Walker takes up the story in Saturday's match day programme: "I have to tell you about his day from hell when his interpreter Ciaran had forgotten to tell him the team had the day off. Javier drove to the training ground but broke down as he had run out of petrol so he walked to the nearest petrol station but realised he had no money.

"He had to ring Ciaran and ask him to speak to the petrol station manager, but they were not having any of it and just said 'if he does not have any money he is not getting any petrol'. "He had to walk to the training ground to borrow some money off Anton, who was in for treatment, and also discovered the team were not in. He walked back, filled the petrol can up, walked to his car put the petrol in and set off back home. Then half a mile up the road a taxi crashed into the back of him."

Roberto's radical plan…

Roberto Mancini has come up with a novel way to settle the current crisis in Italian football. When quizzed on the security measures which are currently preventing a great number of fans from attending games, Mancini outlined a radical plan which clearly has nothing to do with the fact that his Internazionale side are currently leading the way at the top of the table. "This is not football. We might as well quit right here and start again in September," said Mancini. "My words are clearly a provocation, but to play without fans makes no sense. We should do as they do in Formula One - when the conditions to continue are no longer favourable, they stop and the one who is leading wins."

And rio ferdinand rox as a dancer...